Another Year ...

... another blog post. I suppose it's time to make my annual promises about posting more often and cutting back on freebasing catnip.

Nolan's been busy with school lately, but he's not the only one getting an education. I've decided to take the next step and pursue my Ph.D. in Obnoxious. It seems that the Master's in Obnoxious I hold already simply isn't cutting it in this economy, and I have to differentiate myself if I'm going to meet the needs of the modern cat workplace. Cat owners expect to be annoyed by the best, and I will oblige. I did try to use my vast life experience in annoyance (harassing people, other cats, spiders, Christmas trees, shady-looking shoelaces, and assorted piles of paper) to earn an advanced degree from one of those online degree mills, but they told me that they didn't offer degrees in something as prestigious as Obnoxious.

I preparing for getting my Obnoxious degree, I've learned a particularly neat new trick. It involves dipping my paw in water and then shaking it daintily, which rewards surrounding areas with welcoming cold splashes. Surrounding areas have included the bathroom counter, the bathroom mirror, Carrot, Nolan's back, and Jane's face.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my three loyal readers - I'll see you again next year!

Sneezing

I had a bit of a cold over the weekend, which lead to a lot of sneezing. Over the past few months, I've taken to sharing a pillow with Jane at night (sharing is hardly the word for it - Jane gets a generous 10% of the pillow while I'm forced to make due with an pauper-like 90%), and she didn't seem to like the heavy breathing and achoos planted in her ear. It serves her right - she always gets uppity when I meow furiously at her sneezes, and the tables have finally turned.

Politics, Religion, and Kitties

Yep, a new post only a few weeks after the last one. What's gotten into me? Honestly, it's not like I have that much to occupy my time, so It's more of a wonder why I post so infrequently.

I'm not a cat that likes to stick her whiskers in places they don't belong, but something has to be said about the mess Carrot has found herself in. You see, Carrot had been eyeing a particular kitty condo for some time - but it was a bit outside of her means. Then some fancy bank offered her a complex, modern mortgage instrument - an Option ARMOJCF (Adjustable Rate Mortgage Or Just Cat Food). For those of you who don't know, an ARMOJCF allows felines to own homes while having the option of only paying a single piece of cat food each month toward their mortgage! I'm sure you won't need to pull out a calculator to determine that just paying cat food toward a loan will likely not get that kitty condo paid off anytime soon.

I think this much is clear: Carrot needs to be bailed out after being bamboozled by a shady lender. Just because she's not as intelligent as moi doesn't mean she shouldn't receive the same respect that all cats looking for home loans deserve.

Notorious C.A.T.

Hello all - I know it's been a while. I'll jump right into recent events in PotatoWorld™.

The holidays have come and gone, and that means that my favorite time of the year is once again 11 months away. That's right: the annual bow-chewing season has ended. I didn't get to mark quite as many bows this year as I would have liked, but I'm pretty sure that Jane's parents received at least a few gnawed-on gifts.

Back in Black

Well hello there, faithless reader! I know it's been a while since my paws last graced a keyboard, but worry no longer: I am back for my semi-annual blog post. My exploits since my last post have been so numerous I'm compelled to recount them in list form.

• First and foremost, I've moved into a house! With the sweat of my furred brow, I scrimped and saved until I had amassed enough scratch to move out of the confines of apartment life. I then immediately blew all of it on catnip. Fortunately, Nolan and Jane let me (now penniless) join them in their new house.
  
  
• Secondly, I've terrorized Carrot to no end. She doesn't seem to enjoy having me chase her around the room repeatedly, but I don't mind one bit.
  
  
• I've also put considerable effort into harassing birds. With my EYES. Jane has set up a bird feeder within view of the window I use to survey my kingdom and the birds congregate in force around the feeder. I just know I could take them if I was let outside - it would be pretty favorable odds (like 25:1).
  
  
• During one bizarre day in October, I spent the entire day inside my owner's bedroom closet. It is very spacious, with lots of dark spaces to hide and clothes to terrorize. I enjoyed myself quite a bit, though Jane was very mad at Nolan (I'm not sure why).
  
  
• Additionally, I landed a new job! I'm now Assistant Vice President in Charge of Butt-Licking in the master bedroom. My responsibilities include sleeping on Nolan's pillow and meowing at the curtains. Carrot joins me as my secretary.
  
  
• Finally, there was an unfortunate incident in September involving three German Shepherds, a can of Pam, and an aloe vera plant, but I'm going to save that story for my memoirs.

See? It's been a crazy half-year.

Merry Christmas,
Potato

Can Cats File Lawsuits?

It's really a rhetorical question, because I know the answer is "Yes, but only if they are cute, omniscient, and named 'Potato'." I ask this because it seems that someone is in copyright violation of the Potato brand. Let me show you the evidence:



Is this not an exact likeness of me? They even stole my catch phrase! After some research, I discovered that the name of this abomination is "Chococat." It's practically an anagram of POTATO! Both have two Os, both have one A -- can there be any doubt that this is a violation of my (very) intellectual property?

Sleep with one eye open, makers of Chococat. I'm coming for you.

The Queen's Pillow

Nolan recently visited the store to buy (what he thought was) a body pillow that was (intended) for Jane. Once the pillow arrived at its new home, its true calling was revealed: a throne for ME. Her Royal Highness Potato finally has a seat worthy of her grandeur, and to mark the occasion, she will speak only in third person (for the time being).

After only a week of use, Jane decided that Potato's Throne Cover was worthy of It's first bath. Jane mentioned something about an accumulation of Her Catliness's hair, which is usually considered a blessing. These proletariat know nothing of True Royalty, so I must simply redouble my efforts to grace The Throne with The Fur.

Electricity is tasty

"Brrrrr! It is very cold!" That's what I would say if I were stupid enough to go out in the nasty weather outside. I'm thinking about spending tomorrow meowing at the ice while sitting in the window, taunting the cold because it can't get to me. Take that!

Jane was nice enough to set up a heating pad under a towel in my mostly-ignored cat bed. Of course, now that it's heated, Domino and I split time on the new warm spot. By "split time," I mean Domino lays there while I am distracted, and once I'm no longer distracted, I bop her on the head and take over the bed. It's a good system that favors teamwork. Besides, when Domino is laying there she wastes the heat by sleeping. On the other hand, when I'm laying there I bite on the heating pad. Nolan thinks it's Darwinism at work, and I just think it's plain tasty.

Over the river and through the woods

Carrot and I visited our grandparents over Thanksgiving, and it was good times. I enjoyed the new scratching post Grandpa and Grandma made me, and Carrot ate the tip off of one of mommy's make-up brushes. Basically, fun was had by all.

There's word late tonight, though, that I may have missed out on some fun. As you may know, my third favorite hobby is chasing lights (butt-licking and bopping Carrot on the head are first and second, respectively). Grandma got a new computer, and evidently it came with a GREEN FLASHING LIGHT. Being something of a light connoisseur, I would have loved the opportunity to stare, bat at, and generally obsesses over such a light. It's simply not to be, though. Grandma and Grandpa decided that the light made the room light up as though X-Files creatures were landing in the house, and extinguished the light permanently. Back to bopping Carrot on the head, I suppose.

Bzzzzzt Bzzzzzt Bzzzzzt

Jane says that I'm as good as an alarm clock, but she's wrong. An alarm clock doesn't have a tongue, and cannot lick things to determine their tastiness. Therefore, I am superior to an alarm clock.

At 6am every morning, I get thirsty. Why am I up at 6am to know that I'm thirsty? I have to get an early start if I'm going to terrorize Carrot to the fullest extent of my abilities. Anyway, I scratch at the sink stopper in the bathroom to make water appear. Unlike Carrot, I'm not dumb enough to think that the scratching is what produces the water - it's Jane being in the bathroom. The noise wakes her up, and she turns on the faucet so I can get my fresh water.

You may ask why I don't drink the water in the conveniently-located water bowl. To that, I answer: you should be doing a better job of keeping up with my blog.

Jane may find the noise unpleasant, but I have to ask her - would she rather me chew on her hair to wake her up? That's what I thought. Now give me some water.

Will this be it?

Will this be the post that finally marks the return of semi-weekly nuggets of kitty wisdom appearing in this space? I doubt it, but you can always lick something nearby and hope for the best (I know I would).

What has been happening in the world of Potato and her sidekick-of-lesser-intellect Carrot? Nothing. Nothing at all.

True Love

Hello all. I apologize sincerely for my tardiness in updating. I know that the three of you (hi Erin's mom) that read this 'blog have been in quite a funk the last few months.

There has been an exciting development: Nolan and Jane (the proprietors of this fair diary) have decided that theirs is a true love and are now engaged!

I, too, have found my true love. That true love is "licking things." I enjoy licking DVD players, Tostitos, books, TV screens, and Domino's butt. You shouldn't think that I'm not discriminating in my taste testing -- I haven't yet licked a whale. Or Jupiter. That'd be disgusting.

The Twelve Days of Potato

It's nearing Christmastime at the Potato ranch, and let me tell you, it's exciting times. Last Christmas I got some things to chew on, like small cloth items endowed with catnip. Christmas has come a few days early this year, as my chew toy has already arrived. You may call it a plastic-Christmas-tree-shedding-fake-pine-needles-everywhere, but I call it tasty. I'll let you know if I get anything else interesting to munch on in the coming days.

Happy Halloween!

I love Halloween because I get to chew on candy wrappers that don't quite make it to the trash. Why do I chew on candy wrappers? Because I've run out of carpet fuzz, obviously.

Nicknames, Part II

I suppose it's about time for my monthly post, so let us sit down and discuss the better half of Jane's kitty pairing: Me. Below you'll find a list of the wacky and unnecessary alternate names Jane and Nolan have conjured for the best starch ever (Me. A potato. Get it?).

Potato's Nicknames

Potato Pancake Pumpkin Bean - My full, proper name as cited in my Blogger profile. Useful if I ever assassinate anyone important.

Potatoo - If you were here for the last 'blog entry (or if you can scroll down a few inches), you may remember that adding another "o" to the end of a name to create a nickname is typically a bad idea. Here, the trend holds.

Potatonut - Do you get the feeling that Nolan and Jane aren't creative? Adding "nut" to Domino's name worked so well, so why not add it to mine? Genius.

Potatonater - Like Ah-nold's Terminator, except not looking for John Connor.

Potato Bug - This is a launching point for several other "bug" related nicknames. It's also supposed to be cute. I think that real potato bugs eat potatos, which leaves me with some complex existential questions.

Little One - Little one what? I get the feeling this is actually a veiled insult (at least when Carrot says it).

Wittle Bug, Little Boog - I'm pretty sure that splicing two bad nicknames together and adding a speech impediment doesn't make a good nickname.

Bug-a-roo - "When is the dance, Paw? I really wanna go down to the dance hall and do the Bug-a-roo with that Billy Joe boy."

Bug-a-roo Barbie - No.

Tater - Because Potato has too many syllables for some people (you know who you are).

Bat Cat - When I was younger, I looked a lot like Christian Bale (hence the name).

Super Bug - Like Clark Kent. or Avian flu.

Once again, our time has grown short. Tune in next month (year? epoch?) for the third installment of Crazy Cat Nicknames.

Nicknames, Part I

Carrot and I go by a lot of names around here, and I'm not sure why. It's not like we can come up with spoken names that aren't "Meow."

Who could be making up all of these names? Ah yes, Nolan and Jane. In honor of their addiction to naming, I'll be creating a short series of posts discussing our kitty nicknames. This week, I'll do Carrot (no, that doesn't mean the next post will be next week. Or even next month).

Carrot's Nicknames

Domino - I'm not sure where this one came from, given that she has nothing to do with dominos. Crazy humans.

Dominoo - Genius. Tack another "O" on, and you have the most creative nickname ever. Rhymes with "poo."

Dominater - Evidently Nolan felt the need to give Carrot's nickname a little more punch. Unfortunately, he failed.

Dominut - I actually like this one, since it implies nuttiness. Which Carrot embodies.

Dominutter - The marriage of "Dominater" and "Dominut." They're getting an annulment.

Bitty - An abbreviation of "Itty Bitty Kitty." A better abbreviation would have been silence.

Muffin-butt - I've never actually heard this one, but Jane claims she has used it on Carrot. Why anyone would admit to this is a mystery.

Well, that's it for now. See you in December (or whenever).

Renaming

I've a confession to make: I've never liked Domino. Well, I actually don't like her name. I suppose that Domino herself is fairly acceptable. Anyway, I've chosen to rename her with a moniker more to my liking. Domino, I dub thee "Carrot"!
Well, that's done. I think I'll go back to eating carpet fuzz.

Moved

Well, I'm finally settled into my new apartment. It is much nicer than my old apartment, but it's not like that really matters to me (being as I'm a cat). There is one significant development though: there is a spinning white thing in the center of the ceiling in the bedroom. I'm not sure what it is, but I sure as heck like staring at it.

col·lar (kŏl'er) n.

1. The part of a garment that encircles the neck.
2. A necklace.
3. A restraining or identifying band of leather, metal, or plastic put around the neck of an animal.
4. Jane's kitty torture device.

Demons

When Nolan hears "potato," he also thinks "Demons."

Click here for an explanation

Nolan's OTHER Cat?

I recently discoverd this news story:
"Nolan's Cat puts on a show, places third"

It describes a race in which Nolan's cat took third place. Now, I know I haven't run any races lately, and Domino has been sleeping in the window this whole time. Is Nolan three-timing us? Darn him for having another cat!


PS. It was later brought to my attention that Nolan's cat is actually a horse. How that works, I'm not sure; but I'm ok with Nolan having a horse. Just not another cat.

Yet Another Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my mommy Jane!

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my sister and special friend (emphasis on "special"), Domino! She has reached the ripe old age of one.

The Moment You've Been Waiting For

Incriminating Evidence

It's not a good time in the Potato household, as it seems that Jane has turned against me. While I am a fairly open cat, I don't like to have every detail of my life on display for the world to see. My fascination with butt-licking is well known, but do you really need photo evidence? Of course not. Jane has acquired a picture of me in a compromising position, however, which may soon taint this shining Potato shrine. Stay tuned.

Bowls

Jane and Domino think I need these. I'm less than convinced.
(Note: They're 33% off.)

This is more my speed:

Bathtub and Toothbrush

Sometimes I can knock Jane's toothbrush into the bathtub, and that's when the fun begins. I like batting it around so that the bristles get gross. The best part is doing it around 3am so that not only am I making the toothbrush yucky but I'm also keeping Jane up with all of the racket! I lead a charmed life.

Yum

Nolan's scalp is tasty.

Tactics

I think Jane and Nolan are catching on to my latest stealth tactic: hiding under the coffee table. I used to think that if I ran under the coffee table I was safe from capture, but given that it has failed every time I've tried it, it's probably a pretty poor evasive maneuver.

PS. Rest in peace little fishy. We provided each other with hours of entertainment.

Defense

I'm quickly coming to realize that my standard defense mechanism when attacked isn't as great as I had originally envisioned. When Nolan or Jane come after me, I stop moving and crouch to avoid detection. Apparently, stopping makes it easier for them to catch me and my black fur isn't very effective camouflage against beige carpet.

Runny Poop

Right after I have a big poop (or pee), I rip around the apartment as fast as I can: I'm lighter, so I can run faster. Nothing is more liberating than a good bowel movement.

Bag

Jane thinks I need this bag:


Do I actually need it? Yes, I do.

Window Dressing

While I enjoy standing in the window looking outside, the best part is meowing at the grass. Jane and Nolan think I'm meowing for no reason at all, but there's actually a very important reason. If I don't keep them in check, who knows what those crazy blades will do.

Cat Comic

By popular demand, an update:

Valentine

I asked Domino if she would be my Valentine. She said "yes," so I licked her butt.

Happy Valentine's Day!

New Litter Box

A new litter box showed up last night ... and it has a hood. It looks just like my cat carrier/bed. What message are they trying to send to me? Should I start pooping in my cat carrier? Should I start sleeping in the litter box? I guess there's only one way to find out.

Domino's Head

Well, I now know (through keen observation) that Domino's head is just small enough to fit in a cup, but just big enough not to let her get it out again. I don't think she's going to find the same success I've found (in licking butts) with a cup stuck on her head; maybe I should help her get it off.

Nah.

Joke

Two fish were in a tank. What did one fish say to the other?

"Man, I'm tasty."

Bed

Jane and Nolan have a bed set up for me that has a heating pad in it (there are heads of state that don't have it as well as I do). Today, however, I decided to pull the towel covering the heating pad off and attack the heating pad with my teeth. Why would I do something like that? Because I'm mentally retarded.

Tasty Tissue

I'm not sure what they're putting in it, but Kleenex tissues sure are tasty. And they're packaged in handy dispensers that pop out another snack right after you've pulled out the first! Nolan and Jane keep taking them away from me, probably because they want to horde them all for themselves.

Sleep

Do other cats sleep on their back with their hind legs spread in the air? If not, they should.

Litter (but with a changed title for Jane's sake)

We have new litter. It looks like birdseed and smells like pine. I refuse to go to the bathroom in a pile of birdseed. I mean, would you? Of course not. That's just goofy. Also, on the litter bag, there is a picture of a cat who appears to be on meth. Or maybe he was just Photoshopped to have a smile. Given that cats don't naturally smile, something has clearly gone terribly wrong.

Snip Recovery

So, I'm back and recovering from the snipping. My underside is shaven, which is liberating, but not fantastic on linoleum floors. Domino has been smelling my butt and then hissing at me, which is funny, given that her butt smells (and tastes) much worse and I don't give her a hard time about it.

Snip Snip

Tonight I'm at the vet because I just got my baby-makers snipped. I think Nolan and Jane thought that butt-licking with Domino might turn into something less innocent (like ear licking), so they chose to nip it in the "butt." What I don't understand is why they didn't just have Domino's ears removed.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Terrorize Nolan and Jane
2. Terrorize Domino
3. Terrorize the fish
4. Terrorize Jane's flip-flops
5. Terrorize the litter box
6. Terrorize the curtains
7. Terrorize plastic bags
8. Terrorize the plants
9. Terrorize insects
10. Kick the catnip habit

Meow

I've noticed that other bloggers often mention what song they're listening to "now." Well, my song of the moment is "Carol of the Meows," and I've included some of the lyrics below for your reading pleasure:

Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow meow
MEOW MEOW MEOW

Purr

I purr when I eat. There, I've said it. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Meow-ry Christmas!

Good kitties to you and yours.

Riding in Cars with Cats

Every once in a while, Domino and I get to take a car trip to our grandparents' house (although after seeing my grandparents, I'm pretty sure there was an adoption along the way). I like riding and staring at the sky as it goes by, but Domino gets pretty queasy. Jane usually seems upset about Domino's tasty-looking vomit, but I always think, "Hey, in-flight meal!" Now all I need is a movie.

Carbon

I've just discovered a new source of cool, fresh water: the fish tank. Even though the taste leaves a little to be desired, there's always a chance that the fish will jump into my mouth for a two-for-one special. I especially like to drink straight from the tank's filter so the water has that extra twinge of carbon that I crave.

Paw Burial

I go to the bathroom. I cover my mess and my foot with litter, assuming that they'll stay covered. I leave the litter box, and my poop stays underneath the litter. MY FOOT, HOWEVER, DOES NOT! This makes me think that there is some sort of cosmic joke or physics fluke occuring in the bathroom, and I will have to lick Domino's butt for further information.

Trials and Tribulations

For all of my fans and long-time readers: I apologize for the delay in posting. My sister Domino ate one of her toys and had to get cut open so we could get it back (at first, I thought that the operation might improve the taste of her butt. I was wrong). I couldn't post after she came back home since I was busy hissing at her because she smelled funny. I then felt a little sick, and took a couple of days off from pooping and eating, much to Nolan and Jane's dismay. Since that was similar behavior to what Domino had been exhibiting, I was taken to the vet myself. The vet made me eat some barium for reasons that are still unknown to me, but a couple of days later both Domino and I are feeling our chipper selves again. However, unlike Domino, I didn't have to lose half of my fur to get that way.

Litter

Cat litter does not belong in the litter box. Why can't I get that across to Jane? I work very hard each morning to kick all of the litter out onto the bathroom tile, and Jane ruins several seconds of hard work by spending half an hour of putting the litter back in the box. What is wrong with her (and Domino's butt? yuk.)

Speed Holes

Jane and Nolan complain a lot about me biting holes in their things. I tell them not to worry: I'm actually doing them a favor. They are "speed holes;" they make the item in question go faster. Speed holes work well on flip-flops, sunglasses and fingers.

Toilet Paper

I'm going to be honest: one of my favorite things to do is watch Nolan or Jane roll up toilet paper after I have unrolled it onto the bathroom floor.

Domino's Butt Part II

What is wrong with Domino's butt? My butt doesn't taste this bad, and I know, because I contort my body into odd shapes so that I can lick it.

Drinkin' Water

I like drinking running water directly from the faucet. There may be perfectly good (and recently fresh) water in my water bowl, but if the thrill of the chase isn't involved, I'm not interested.

Victory!

In waiting to test out butt-licking, I caught my tail. It moved quickly and was very clever, but in the end I got the upper paw.

Domino's Butt

Today I licked Domino's butt. It was bad. Tomorrow I shall run the experiment again for verification of today's results.